To recite redneck wedding vows willfully and with gusto the mood must be set before time. Guests with beer cans, cigarettes, missing teeth, coon dogs, guns and wearing lots of camouflage is a must. In fact, if both the bride and groom are wearing camouflage this is a bonus.
As the bride walks down the isle, marching to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Free Bird” or “Sweet Home Alabama,” and a cardboard cutout of Jeff Foxworthy in the front row, the guests will be spitting their tobacco left and right. This is perfectly acceptable redneck etiquette.
Now, if you happen to be wondering just what redneck wedding vows are, here are few samples:
- I, Zeke, take you Wanda, to be my wife, to so that you clean up my beer cans and wipe the foam off my mouth when I’ve had too much to drink. Be good to my dog, and we’ll get along just fine.
- With this beer tab, I thee wed. Don’t nag me or take the guns from my gun rack without asking. In the Lord’s name, Amen.
- I take you to be my cherished partner, to go with me to all NASCAR races and to stay home and rear our batch of toothless and shoeless children. I promise to protect you using lethal force if necessary and if I’m not too drunk.
- As the Lord and friends today are my witness, I promise to be good to you and your gabby friends, not make you do too much housework and come back every several days even when I’m out hunting.
- To my kissing cousin, I thee wed, I promise not to give you the gene that will cause a bunch of high forehead children. I also promise not to get drunk on Thursdays and to bring home a possum and a coon every once in a while for dinner.